How are we doing????

A lot of people ask me almost daily how we are doing since the twins were born. I mostly answer "we are doing fine" and then move on because I am sure that they don't have the time to hear the long, drawn out answer. So here is the long drawn out answer if you're interested, if not just look at the cute pictures :)

Life has gotten back to a new normal for our little family. Ryan went back to work when Asher was about 2 weeks old. Things are going well for him there and I am grateful that he has a job that he loves. Carter started Kindergarten and loves riding the bus every morning. He has had a couple of mornings when tears were shed, but by the time he gets home, he has forgotten he was even sad. His favorite thing at school is recess of course.

Rylee has been trying to figure out how to survive at

home without Carter around in the mornings. She is already talking about when she gets to go to Kindergarten next year. She is such a big helper with Asher. Asher is getting bigger and bigger every day. He hasn't been weighed in awhile, but I think he is close to 8 pounds. He is a good, but sometimes temperamental baby. He is already a mommy's boy, which I love of course.

As for me, I am trying to find out exactly what it means to be a mom who has lost one of her precious babies while still raising the ones left behind. It has been interesting and sometimes difficult couple of months. I am trying to learn to brush off the dumb things people say sometimes and remember that most people mean well and just

don't know what to say. (For example: One of my "favorite" things has been "At least you have Asher!" Seriously?! Would people be saying that to me if Carter had passed away instead of Easton? I don't think so. It's not like each of my kids is a spare or a bonus just in case one of them dies. Another of my "favorites" was when a well meaning individual asked me how I was feeling emotionally and I responded that I was doing ok, but that I don't feel that I will ever not be somewhat sad about losing Easton. She responded with saying "Well, why not?" Um...ok. Sorry I just went off. Everyone has been so supportive so I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I am sure I have said equally dumb things to other people at times in my life. We love and appreciate everyone who has helped, prayed for, and loved our family during these last few months. I honestly think people just don't know what to say). Anyways... even though my life isn't exactly how I dreamed it would be right now, I am learning to adjust to the way it has become. Here is a couple of blog posts I found that describe perfectly how I feel. These are written by a woman who lost her 2 year old daughter and she puts her grief into words much better than I can.

As astonished as I was at the way the world looked when I became a mother, I am just as astounded at how it looks as a bereaved mother. Filled with so much love and goodness. So much anger and angst. A battle to be faced at the break of each dawn. A vision so different than what I had before. There are times I wish I could rip my glasses off my face and fling them to the ground, but I have to remind myself--then I wouldn't be able to see at all.

I'm grateful for the sight my children have given me. I will embrace that I am a glasses wearing nerd and forge ahead into the madness of motherhood and life-- Its beauty and wonder and poopy exhaustingness. I will do it. For Lucy and for Peter. My heavenly vision and my earthly sight.

I don't know how I arrived to where I am today. A friend recently stated that she has no idea how I "bounced back" from such a loss. I haven't told her yet that there was no bouncing involved. There is flattening, deflating, crushing weight that you are unable to bear on your own. And then there is picking your body up off of the careless, chaotic dirt one-sixteenth of an inch at a time. After your body comes your mind. And that's even slower. Lastly, your soul starts to remember it exists and loved ones and even strangers help you piece it back together. Sometimes it throws fits and creates a spark you had long forgotten. And eventually, body and soul work together to breathe again, but in a much different way than you breathed before. And often, after all that foreign breathing, the wind gets knocked out of you. But you keep going. One day you wake up and you know your new self. You are comfortable with your new way of breathing.That is where greatness begins. That is when you truly are something bigger and different and better than who you were before.

http://www.agoodgrief.com/