I have an extremely difficult time being positive. It drives Ryan crazy. I wouldn't say I'm necessarily a "negative" person (although Ry would), I think I'm more of a realistic person who always assumes that the worst case scenario is possible. It is something I've always had a hard time with and I've been trying REALLY hard lately to be more positive. However, that is harder to do late at night when the house is dark and lonely and everyone is sleeping soundly. At night I find myself asking purely selfish and childish questions.
Why do I get so frustrated with my kids?
Why can't I have the willpower to eat healthy?
Why can't I find the time to get everything done that needs to be done?
Why can't I be a better, more attentive wife?
Why can't I just be content with the two children I have and not beg for more?
Why do I have such a hard time being a good person?
Why, why, why????????
See what I mean? Not such a positive person am I? I find myself counting and saying things like, "ok, I am going to count to ten and then I am not going to be negative anymore!" It never works.
Now that it's morning and my darling children are playing so nicely together and coloring me pictures and just being the sweet spirits that they are, I feel better. I feel blessed. (Why can't I feel this way all the time?). I am so incredibly blessed, I realize this. I am so grateful for the children and husband that I have. But I am allowed to be human once in awhile right? That's what I struggle with so much. I want to be a good mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, grand-daughter, etc. 100% of the time. 99% just isn't good enough for me for some reason. If it's not 100%, it's a failure. Never thought I was the type to be a perfectionist did you?
I guess that's why we have the Savior right? He is there to make up the 1%, 5%, 60% that we can't do ourselves. I know that to be true. That was my final conclusion before I finally drifted off to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. It's OK, He will make up the rest. One day will be better than another and that's OK. So here's to an eternity of doing my best and believing Christ will make up the rest.
Thanks for letting me vent.
5 comments:
Jaimee - thanks for writing this, i have been having a hard time lately with the same thing. I never feel like what i do is going to be good enough. Mentally I can say - "look at all you have, you have nothing to be negative about." but emotionally it doesn't process the same. Thank-you for your thoughts on the Savior - I really needed to hear it! And also - you are a GREAT mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc.! I think that sometimes the adversary knows what will get us down and plays on our weaknesses, don't let him! Know that you are a precious daughter of Heavenly Father who LOVES you!
Believe me, you are NOT the only one. Especially now I find myself JUMPING to the worst case of every situation, but for me that's being a protective mom in an extremely difficult situation. I think as Moms (stay at home or working) life is just so easy to get caught up in. I enjoy my time SO much more with Jerimiah, unfortunately now that I don't get a lot of time with him and I really genuinely miss spending every waking (and sleeping) moments with him.
I cannot even begin to let you know that prayers I utter every night on this exact problem. Life isn't easy but WILL be worth it. Drink in those precious children and cherish the everyday memories you have with them. ((HUGS))
Jaimee...I just love you! You are a much better, stronger woman than you give yourself credit for. Seriously...just read those last couple of paragraphs! You totally rock!! I LOVE YOU! And don't you forget it! ANY OF IT! :)
I struggle with the same thing I have phases where I am really hard on myself and Todd has to calm me down and point out that I do a lot of things that are good. He usually says something like "are the kids healthy?...are they happy?" It’s true we can't try to be perfect. Let’s face it. That won't happen in this life at least. But with the saviors help we can try to be BETTER. Slowly we can all improve. Love you Jaim!!
Thanks for writing this. I think lots of us have thoughts like this and it was really great to read the reality check at the end of your post. I think we need to actually have someone remind us of that once in awhile.
Oh, and next time you think some of those things, remember this: YOU ARE AN AWESOME MOM, YOU LOOK HOT, AND WE ALL LOVE YOU!
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